micahsaul

Man, that thing to the right should be awesome. See, Axiotron’s Modbook is a modded Macbook with GPS functionality and a Wacom digitizer. It’s a slate style tablet PC built from Apple hardware. What’s not to love, right? Unfortunately, the answer is quite a lot. Let’s start by looking at potential users:

1) Graphic designers, cartoonists, etc: At first, this seems like an obvious choice for visual artists, especially those that use Photoshop often, which has all sorts of beautiful support for pen-based systems. The sample systems at Macworld were running Photoshop, and it was very nice — much more intuitive than a normal Wacom tablet. I drag my pen across the screen and a line appears. There’s a problem, though. Photoshop is packed with features, and many of them require a keyboard to access quickly. Hotkeys are the name of the game when it comes to hardcore PS use, and Captain Modbook here doesn’t have a keyboard. Sure, you could pack along a wireless keyboard, but that adds bulk and sort of defeats to purpose of a slate style tablet.

2) Doctors: Apparently doctors like tablet PCs. They’re small, portable, and you can quickly jot down notes while talking to patients. Microsoft has made their tablet initiative a priority over the past few years, and have the software to prove it. Apple… well, not so much. In the few mintues I played with the Modbook, which uses Apple’s Ink handwriting recognition algorithms, I averaged about 30% accuracy. Granted, my handwriting is not the best, but doctors are not know for being incredibly legible themselves. I’d hate to get a prescription for 900 mgs. of Vicodin when it should have been 400 (this is a lie, I would gladly accept said prescription).

The same argument can be made for anyone else for whom the appeal of a tablet lies in the handwriting recognition.

The problem is not insurmountable. I have little doubt that within the next few years, we are going to see some amazing tablet initiatives from Apple. However, the Modbook is not quite there. And this makes me sad.

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Oh, another thing about the Modbook before we move on to the creepiest thing Macworld brought us: For $2279 we get the base version of the Macbook with a pen digitizer. For those keeping track, that’s $2279 for a $1099 computer plus a Wacom tablet. Granted, the build quality is superb, and there were no doubt some intense engineering issues in getting the thing to fit together so seamlessly. But my suggestion? Buy the Macbook by itself, and drop an extra $999 on the Wacom Cintiq 12WX. That comes to $2098 for the same computer with an extra screen that is also a digitizer… plus you get to keep the trackpad and keyboard. Seems the better deal to me.

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That unholy pod thing pictured to the right is the Metronap Energypod. There’s no way I can come close to doing this justice, so let me give you some quotes from their webpage:

The MetroNaps EnergyPod solves a contemporary problem: most work spaces do not offer their employees a place to rejuvenate. The result is that people seek rest in places not intended for it: at their desk, in a conference room, a parked car or even the bathroom.
(I’ll comment in italics after these quotes. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve certainly fallen asleep at work before. But seriously? YOU’RE AT WORK! You know, the place where you… do work. Not sleep.)

Practice Makes Perfect: With some practice and preparation, anyone can powernap. If you are not normally a napper, try the techniques below at the same time each day for three days. You will quickly develop the skill. (Anyone can nap… that is perhaps the most brilliant statement I have ever read. Cause, you know, I wasn’t sure if I could nap. I mean, it’s not like I’ve been doing it since THE DAY I WAS BORN!!!)

Napping improves alertness, productivity and mood. Researchers recently discovered a nap a day can also decrease chances of dying from heart disease by 37%. (Imagine I am Jon Stewart. Now I imagine there is a slide behind me that has the preceding text on it. Now imagine I am reading the text out loud, and now I am staring at the camera with my (that is, Jon Stewart’s) patented “Whu…?” face.)

Maybe I’m being overly critical. Maybe I shouldn’t be as indignant as I am… but see, here’s the thing. Humans actually need very few things to survive. Food, Water, Sleep. That’s about all that’s needed at the basest level, but let’s expand our list a little more to the things that aren’t Necessary, but are certainly necessary (see the distinction?): Food, Water, Sleep, Physical Contact, Social Interaction. All of these, but one, have been productized. We buy food and bottled water. The oldest profession on the planet has been selling physical contact for somewhere around forever. We spend money to go out, we spend money for school, we spend money on all sorts of forms of social interaction. But we’ve never really had to spend money on sleep. Sure, we buy fancy mattresses and sheets and hotel rooms and the like. But we don’t need those things to sleep. I can get a perfectly restful sleep under my desk, in the back of a car, on the floor, under a treet. And I don’t need someone to tell me that I need to sleep. I know. And I certainly don’t need someone to sell me a bad science fiction movie prop in which to do it.

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Let’s get this out of the way right off the bat: The Macbook Air is fucking incredible. It is a thing of beauty, and I would gladly own one. Please note, I said own one, not purchase one. Because, let’s face it, $1700 is a lot to pay for a computer as schizophrenic as the MBA. It’s not quite powerful enough to be your main computer, that’s clear right away. 1.6 GHz is less than the desktop I bought for $400 4 years ago. Sure, it’s a Core 2 Duo, and I realize that it’s an unfair comparison, but I get to hyperbolize a little bit. Look at the URL, bitch. On top of that, it’s only got the one USB, no optical drive, yadda yadda yadda. You’ve heard all these complaints before.

So, it’s established that this is not your main computer. And the defenders of the Air point this out as well. It’s clearly not designed to replace your MBP or your Thinkpad. No, the MacBook Air is your back-up computer. Your take-everywhere, throw-around, get-the-bare-essentials-in-a-small-package-on-the-weekend-trip-to-grandma’s computer. It’s your iPod, your internet appliance, your photo storage device. Seems to me, though, that $1700 is a shit lot more than $400, which is what I paid for my iPhone.

Now, there is a third niche that the Air could fit into. A niche that I, myself, am looking to fill. I have a Powerbook at home, a Macbook at work. I like them both, but am likely going to replace the PB with a Macbook Pro, possibly once the multi-touch trackpads make their appearance in that line. But there’s a place for a third computer. It is not my office computer, running a Mail client, three browsers, a Windows VM, Adium, TextMate, and anything else I feel like throwing at it. Nor is it my home computer, used for audio editing, Photoshop, and coding. It’s the notebook. The basic, true-to-it’s-name, notebook computer. A place for taking notes. A small, light, super portable computer which can get online and open a text editor. That is the space which the Air fills perfectly. Problem is, it’s expensive, and there’s another computer already in that space that does it a lot cheaper.

Meet the eee PC, by Asus. This is the Air’s main competitor, and it costs ~$400. Rumor has it that by the end of the year, there will be a 9″ version with a touchscreen for ~$900. Basic math suggests that 400<1700. Hell, a modded eeePC with all the extra functionality Asus left out (Draft n WiFi, Bluetooth, GPS, etc) only comes to about $800. And it’s lighter and smaller than the Air. Sure, it doesn’t have that sexy industrial design, and sure the specs are paltry compared to the Air… but you don’t need those specs. The Air doesn’t have the horsepower to replace the MacBook Pro, and it doesn’t have the media capabilities to replace the Macbook. And it looks like it doesn’t have the pricepoint to replace the eee PC. Again, I admit freely that I would love a MacBook Air. It is a sexy piece of kit, and the pictures do not do it justice. You absolutely must get your hands on one to fully appreciate what a fucking gorgeous thing this bastard is. But, it’s just not quite good enough, or cheap enough, to make it worth it. Sad, that.

Coming tomorrow: Why Axiotron’s Modbook just isn’t as cool as it should be. Also, creepy fucking Nap Pods.

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A few of the entries from the journal I’ve been keeping:

Scuffmarks from a million shopping bags and suitcases act as the worn stone steps in our city’s church of transit. Blue, psuedo-tweed upholstered pews line the aisle, sheltering the weary traveller.
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The sort of man that folds his paperbacks in half… his library has scoliosis.
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There’s something about black tights with metallic shimmer, the indie chick’s chainmail.

Fuck, so I’m working on a story. Perhaps tomorrow I’ll post some of it. Sleep now.

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Ok, so they’re not actually off brands. They are neither more nor less smelly or cancerous than Marlboros or Camels. But they just don’t quite have the same cachet as those two. This is not to say, of course, that they do not say as much about their smokers. Let’s examine:

Parliament is an odd brand. Many, many people smoke Parly lights, but I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone smoke a regular Parliament. Not sure what exactly that means.

The important thing about Parliament Light smokers is this: They are usually cute hipster girls with good fashion, good taste in music, and they are usually quitting smoking.

Gauloises are merely one of the many French and French-Canadian brands in vogue among the pretentious elite. Another common brand in this crowd is Export A. These are the sort of people that spend all day at the local cafe, playing Japanese Chess, writing in their Moleskine notebooks, and reading sprawling post-modern literature that everyone ahs heard of but no one ahs read like Gravity’s Rainbow and Infinite Jest. Or maybe that was just me in 2002…

American Spirits… oh, where to begin? “My body is a temple. I want no unwelcome chemicals entering it.” Earth to hippy! You are fucking smoking. you are currently inhaling more chemicals than you have names for, and just because there’s none added does not make the fuckers good for you! If you like the taste of Spirits better, great! If you like the fact that it takes about five years to smoke a single American Spirit cigarette, awesome! But do not claim that you are smoking them because there are no additives. That’s like claiming organic bacon will somehow make you less fat, or natural rat poison is somehow more environmentally safe.

Menthols are for people that don’t like smoking but want to smoke. The menthol numbs the throat and makes you feel vaguely like you’ve been ass-raped in the mouth. Menthols are for frat boys, thugs, and anyone who likes to feel like they’ve been ass-raped in the mouth.

Obviously, I’m not a fan.

Cloves are also for people who don’t like smoking but want to smoke. The clove numbs the throat and makes you cough blood the next day. They are for theatre fags, goth teenagers, and your spinster aunt who is going through a mid-life crisis and goes to Death Guild to pick up theatre fags and goth teenagers. But hey, at least she’s not getting ass-raped in the mouth.

And finally, why Camel smokers should never date each other and should find a Parliament Light smoker:

As discussed in yesterday’s lecture, the Camel smoker is at heart a roamer, a wanderer, a nomad, a vagabond, call them what you will. They are rarely content to stay in one place, and almost always have a certain wanderlust to them. This does not lead to a stable relationship. When you put two of these people together, you can be sure that the relationship will be passionate, intense, and incredibly shortlived. Invariably, one or the other will feel the need to move on, sooner rather than later. The constant threat of dissolution can cause the couple to live every day like it’s their last together, which of course leads to great stories, incredible adventures, and mindblowing sex… but very soon it will be over, hearts will be broken, and even more cigarettes will be smoked.

The Parliament Light smoker, on the other hand, is groundedd. She is content to stay put, she likely has a decent job at a publishing company or a magazine or a non-profit, and, as mentioned, she is trying to quit smoking. She is not likely to hop on a Greyhound bus tomorrow for parts unknown. And this grounds the Camel smoker. The relationship is probably not as violently intense as the menage a Camel, but this is a good thing. Burning a candle on two ends and all that. The wanderlust may win out, of course, and the Camel smoker may eventually leave the Parliament Light smoker, but he will regret it for the rest of his life.

And that’s what you needed to know to write about smokers.

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…and they always fall in love with the girl that smokes Parliament Lights.

I smoke. I am occasionally embarrassed by this. I occasionally try to quit. The problem is, those little motherfuckers are delicious, and I will likely be a smoker for a while still. So, let’s talk branding.

It is rarely a good idea to include brand names in your writing. The girlfriend was talking about reading some chick-lit novel recently in which the protagonist was constantly saying things like: “This is Midnight Smoke eyeliner, by MAC. It’ll look really good with your pale skin…” etc. This is bad. For one, product placement can be really jarring if handled poorly, as is the case here. For two, it hopelessly dates the piece (as an example, how many brands in Blade Runner are still around? Pan-Am, really? I’m certainly not saying Blade Runner is a bad movie because of this, but having ads in the future for a company that has gone the way of Dinersaurs Cereal). For three, no seriously, who the fuck talks like that?!

However, I occasionally break this rule. Yes, I have been known to include name brands in my prose. But I am selective. Pringles are still reconstituted and extruded potato wafers, Pabst Blue Ribbon is cheap beer that won first place at a county fair. But my characters that smoke (meaning most of them) smoke Camels and Parly Lights and Gauloise.

Why is this? Why do I make the choice (and it is clearly a conscious one) to break my hard and fast, no brand name rule when it comes to smoking? The answer is simple: cigarette brand is characterization. What a person smokes does a lot to say what that person likes, dislikes, etc. In short, who they are.

A Couple Examples:

A Marlboro smoker sure does want to be a cowboy… only one problem: he ain’t. See, a Marlboro smoker is a Bud drinker, a Broncos fan, a McDonalds eater. There’s nothing really wrong with those things, but they’re not the cowboy thing to do. Cowboys were rebels, criminals, archetypal tricksters in the Coyote vein. Cowboys were not, are not, and never will be mainstream America. I should know. I smoke Camels.

Now, a Camel smoker just likes a good tasting cigarette that is easily available anywhere in the world. I’ve found my brand in Istanbul, Budapest, Tokyo, Amsterdam, and down the street at the corner store. Yeah, it’s mainstream. Yeah, it’s still an all-American brand. But Camel’s like the pre-2004 Red Sox. Always second best, always the outsider. That’s probably why Camel’s are smoked by all the real Cowboys I know; the hardcore kids, the bike messengers, the Southern punks, the New Orleans circus freaks… all Camel smokers.

The Camel vs. Marlboro debate is the same as the Red Sox vs. Yankees rivalry, the Mac vs. PC battle… it is a battle between two inherently disparate world views. And working that into fiction is perfectly acceptable.

COMING TOMORROW:
The lesser brands, including Parliaments, Kools, American Spirits, and the non-smoker cigarette: Cloves.

Also, why the Camel guy always falls for the Parliament girl, and should never date another Camel smoker.

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